Being Positive in a Negative World

How does one stay positive in such a negative world?

There are many ways that won’t cost you anything but change; not coinage change either.

There was a time not long ago when I was stuck in the deepest well of despair one could imagine. It was just a part of life, but life decided to hit me with several hard knocks--one right after the other.

Six years ago, by mother passed away just as it was becoming obvious that my father was suffering from advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease.

I had enrolled in college prior to the diagnoses and went full-time to school while another family member stayed with my father and my adult autistic daughter. It was difficult to manage, but 16 months later, I graduated and was starting my first job. That’s when things really started going downhill. My father could no longer drive and often got lost after sneaking out of the house. He worked all his life on the 3rd shift and his body was acclimated to staying awake all night. Unfortunately, my daughter was also a night owl.

Unbeknownst to me, while I was sleeping, all hell was breaking loose. My father, who at that time could no longer recognize his own granddaughter, was terrorizing her for “being in the building.” In moments of dementia, he imagined he was still a night guard in the Philadelphia prison system.

I noticed that my daughter had started spending all her time in her room and looking rather distraught, but I didn’t understand why until one night I awoke to screaming and banging. I jumped from the bed to find my daughter in the hallway banging her head on the wall and my father standing over her in a defensive posture like a security guard ready to pull his night stick. I found out that it wasn’t the first time, but it marked the point that pushed my daughter past the edge. She soon was diagnosed with extreme anxiety and depression and required daily medication to ease her mental anguish. My poor baby, who had always been a very sweet, gentle, and loving child, had turned into a frightened, despondent person afraid to leave her bedroom. She would throw fits of anger out of sheer frustration and turned to striking out at me physically. You don’t know how strong a ninety-five pound light-weight can be until they start hitting and shoving you.

In the meantime, my father’s dependency on me grew daily and soon I had to do everything for him. He weighed substantially more than I did, so bathing, changing, and dressing him was very difficult. The situation became extremely tough to handle. I had no choice but to quit my job, and my brother (who had been helping me) and I had become full-time caregivers.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I suffered from a chronic thyroid condition that required daily medication. When my prescription refill expired, the doctor ordered me to have my blood work done again and because I had no money (we were living on a small fixed income from my father’s pension and social security) to get the blood work, I could not get my prescription renewed. I became very fatigued and my body started breaking down. Muscle cramps were common, as were migraines.

While jumping up from the couch one day to try and prevent my daughter from banging her head on the wall, I snapped the Achilles heel on my right foot. I felt it tear and heard the popping sound it made and knew it had to be pretty bad, but I had no insurance. I would have to make due. I walked with a limp for more than a year. Every time I thought it was getting better, I would re-injure it. Because I was favoring my right side, I developed imbalances in the muscles of my legs and hips. While trying to lift my father from the bed, I pulled the muscles under my right ribs. Guarding of the injured muscles caused pain in the muscles on that entire side. I didn’t think things could get any worse…I was wrong.

At that point, there wasn’t any sunshine left in my life. Every day seemed like a rainy day. I stopped going out (I couldn’t anyway), I baked for my father because it was the only thing that brought me joy. I also ate the baked items with him. I gained a whopping seventy pounds before the three years, prior to his death, ended. By that time I required quite a bit of sleep to compensate for my thyroid condition. If I sat down, I would fall asleep sitting up within minutes.

And each time I fell asleep, I was terrified of not waking up.

So what happened to change that?

6 things:

I knew I had to turn things around…so, I decided to change.
I sought out positive messages by joining face book pages that did not allow negative or derogatory messages.
I avoided negative situations and influences whether it was people or activities.
I gave myself Self-Love.
I involved myself in things that I enjoyed doing.
I became aware of my thinking patterns.

During those three years, I deleted all my friends on face book because it seemed that every post was meant to antagonize me. That was a symptom of my thyroid condition.

Instead of friends I joined one group devoted to sending out positive vibes because I needed to be able to start feeling good about my life again and to change things around. The only way to do that was to surround myself with people who cared; and even if they didn’t, I could still pretend they did because every message on the group was a positive one. It turned out to have been a God-sent. I poured through hours and hours of memes that spoke of protection from the Angels and Love, peace, and prayer. I’m not a devoutly religious person, but I do consider myself spiritual and I do believe in a power higher than man, or God.

I began to avoid everything negative. For me, at that point, it wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. I believe I was very close to a breakdown myself. I would sit on the couch for hours without anything on: No music, no television. Sitting in silence allowed me long periods of respite. During this time, I would consciously work on relaxing my muscles and I massaged areas that were in pain. In short, I gave myself a lot of self-love.

Oh yeah…and I began to write and develop other hobbies I was interested in and always wanted to try.

Under those conditions, being alone (except for my daughter) was a very good thing. It gave me time to feel again and get in touch with the person I knew I was underneath all that pain and heartache.

But the greatest change I made during that time was my thoughts. For the past six years, I woke up worried about the future of each day and how I was going to make it through. I was so damn tired. I’d developed the bad habit of thinking negatively, which in itself is draining. For every good thought I could muster, there was another one right behind it starting with, “Yeah, but what if…”

The hardest part about turning my life around was becoming aware of my thought patterns. Even when I was consciously making the effort to think positively, the smaller, quieter voice would inject a negative response, which completely negated the positive one.

To change your way of thinking can be a grand task, I know…but I guarantee you it is one that is worth the effort. Love yourself by giving it a shot.

In peace and love,

Namasté

Susan